Life Update.

I'm super not a fan of life updates. I talk a lot, but it's my goal to talk a lot to not say a lot. If I had enough self-esteem to say that I liked to hear myself talk, that would be the reason, but I'm far, far, too self deprecating for that.

This is more, cathartic, and I'm hoping that if I send out into the universe in as many directions as possible that I'm looking for a decently paid, supportive environment - along with my own efforts - I'll find one, and one will find me and we'll find each other and it will be good.

If you follow me on twitter...then you know I have a job - while grateful to be employed - but it's bitter-sweet. Without getting into much detail I work in a highly dysfunctional place, from the top level down to me; I've been working here over a year and basically have leaned to cover my ass and do my job without walking on people, or blaming others because everyone is so embittered who works here. Any initiative that is attempted is stamped on and no one really knows what is going on 100% of the time. ANYWAY, I digress...and on twitter I go on frequent rants, keep up there.

Since looking for a job I've been stuck on a how to enact the "law of attraction" and being mindful of self talk and how I speak with others, as well as honouring my feelings. Because, frankly after 9 months of searching I feel pretty shit. It's exhausting. I'm also not naturally competitive or good at talking myself up. I've also never had an issue getting a job before. I've always known someone, and they basically gave me the job on a silver platter.

Me sending resumes

                          

                               How I feel (sometimes an hour after sending my application) waiting for a call back

                                  

Getting the call back

                              

How eloquent I am in the interview

After the interview

Most of the time if it's a woman the age of 45 + they love me. I can't explain why, but they all think I'm charming and hilarious. Which is true. Despite having tons of experience in the jobs I've applied for, there is usually a (this is the recruiter telling me) someone with more experience and less personality than me. I'm someone people want to work with, but "economically speaking from a business perspective" they would spend less time training the other person (and more time ruing the day they didn't hire me). I'm certain sexual favours were offered or large sums of cash money, because twice now I've been told "you're a shoe-in, they love you, they were actually raving about how awesome you are" to be told "they went with the boring one with more experience". I'm paraphrasing there but you get the gist. 

What hurts more is knowing that I'm not at work today giving my two weeks. I'm here, on the search again, repeating this cycle. This time I hope with a new ending. Something comparable to this: 

Me getting a job (by the end of the month, tops).

On Halloween

I'm not into it. I have no reason, it's just not my favourite social holiday. Christmas is. I'm not against Halloween, I just don't "do it". Fair game for those that do, but I will politely decline your invites to parties, or group costume invitations (though being that I live in a place with none of my friends near by...this isn't so much an issue now). When I was a child there was a payout, I got to goof around in school for a day, and I got candy when I  asked at night. As an adult I can dress up as something pre-made and "sexy", or I can go all out and do something creative for a party or get-together. Neither of which I want to pay for or make an effort for. One, "looking sexy" is not something I enjoy doing, and most adult costumes for women are pretty misogynistic version of sexy...and I don't like being cold - which is what happens when you dress as a sexy cop, fire-fighter, nun, witch, etc. Creative costumes, which can be sexy or not, are an automatic no, quite simply, I don't care, and if I'm going to make clothing, I'm going to wear it more than one day a year.

The above is pretty much my reasoning behind not actively taking part in Halloween. It's just not fun for me. However, having this known, usually I get accused of "spoiling the fun"trust me, I would spoil the fun if I was there not dressed up, "being boring" I'm not, I can't justify this, but I'm not boring...to me anyway, "being strange" I also can't justify this...but not doing what others do...doesn't make me strange, or having people tell me "it's just one day a year!" no shit Sherlock! I still don't want to invest the time or money when I could drink wine in my bed, rather than wear a skimpy or bulky costume with more with a smelly mask or itchy wig or make-up. 

I've just never gotten pleasure out of wearing a costume. When I was a child I dressed up because...that's what you did, but as soon as I was given the option not to, I didn't put the effort in and stopped altogether - I stopped getting costumed up probably at the age of 9 or 10 - I trick-or-treated, but it was becoming a hassle. By 11, I gave up, mostly because of my height, parents thought I was much older, and used to ask how old I was before the decided what candy to give me; but also my mum got bored of handing out candy. Why hand out candy, when you have kids who are kind of over trick or treating, to do it for you? Isn't that what having kids is all about? Getting them to do the stuff that is too tedious for you to do? My mom's philosophy anyway. We all came to the consensus when I was about 15 to pretend we weren't home. As I got older, my parents were both more blatant about it. They didn't even pretend they weren't home, and it became a trend, both sides of our neighbours followed suit. Not liking Halloween is sort of a family affair. I mean it's not like we're holding picket signs, but once my sister and I stopped being cute, it was kind of like, "who cares?" No one. Not in my house. Also, Halloween in Canada is cold and sometimes we get a first dusting of snow, so you're stuck looking ridiculous putting your costume over a coat. It worked with my witch costume, it made my Raggedy-Anne costume look like a clown and my princess look like a raggedy-ass drag queen -though some of the fault lands on my mom's so-called make-up skills; if my Mum was a drinker I would have blamed intoxication, but there is no reason why my make up was that bad - just like there is no reason why I don't like Halloween.

My partner who is a joiner and happy to participate in social events regardless of the requirement goes off and does whatever. He always encourages me to at least make an effort, but why make an effort when you have a full bottle of wine and a warm bed, and it's not like I'm not festive! I'll watch Hocus Pocus and the Craft. That said, me watching those movies in bed with wine could be any time the mood strikes me...which is a lot. What I'm saying is, I have no reason to not like Halloween, and I don't need one. I'm just sick of answering the questions, and oddly being persecuted for liking (OK,tolerating) the clothing I have (can afford) now and not (apparently) expressing my alter ego.

Magic and the "Real World"

I don't know if it's because I have a degree in political science or the myriad of classes that I took in university relating to religion and history...but a lot of my thoughts about magic and spell work have been revolving around that kind of political science idea. Which is super weird, because if you are in any way not of the big three monotheistic religions or beliefs, your fucking bat shit in political science terms, or at best an endearing eccentric whose probably really into women's studies and environmentalism (as if that's a bad thing...).

My first year Political Science 100 prof loved The Matrix. I've never seen The Matrix, but I know the blue pill/red pill reference, and I get it. He said (something to the effect of) studying politics or how the world works, is like taking the _____ pill (I don't know which of the pills do what, and I don't care, and no I won't watch the movie to find out), you can't go back. Which is true. I've never really taken to conventional education systems but they are good at forcing you to think, and giving you the basic frame work in which to think, if you're like me and you require a basic platform of the who's and what's. If that doesn't make sense, I'm kind of a wiz at putting together Ikea furniture. I just need to know how many of what I need and an allen key, and a picture of what the unit should resemble, and I've -literally- got it made. That's kind of how I am with learning. I like to know what I can use, who good references are, a bit of a chat, and boom, I can sort myself out.

So back to the blue/red pill analogy about making sense of the world we live in. When you look at the international politics, economy, local politics, the whole lot of the big picture in which our world works, you cannot look back, you cannot go back to the ignorance. Which, to be fair is true about anything, but the aforementioned topics are - to me - a fuck ton more baffling, sad, stupid and unfair.

I can get very easily lost in reading about various esoteric topics, because it is pretty blissful to read about, those are issues and concepts I can mess about with and have fun with because there are quite litterally, no limits. The 'real world' as I will call politics n' shit is not limitless. Correction, it is limitless in the fuckery it creates, in the injustices and the idiocy of burrocracy that it entails, in that it is limitless, but the limits it places on humans, on living beings: animals, nature, and humans it has a limitless construction of limits.

I can't really speak to any idea of a holographic reality or universe, because I've read next to nothing on it, and only really over heard discussions on that idea, and even then I'm somewhat doubtful about the information of the people that I was listening to about how the so-called holographic universe functions. I am a bit of a uni-snob despite not being totally academically minded myself. Like I said, this is my own bias on attaining information - and something I frequently check myself on - but if you're taking too much from one area ( the esoteric/new age info) you're not going to really understand what's going on presently. Presently, to me isn't just my present moment, because if you do read the news, however dubious it is, 'presently' extends beyond yourself, and you realize the totality of the idea of "everything is one". It doesn't freak me out, but it does put into perspective the hugeness of what being present can mean, and what being connected to the one can mean.

More of this ramble may come later...

Individual / Community

I used to like the idea of community and being part of something, but I have to say, when I felt those things it's more that I wanted to feel those things. When I acted on a community level it always felt like their was a hand up my ass and directing my mouth and my actions on how to speak. Like minded people are great for like an hour, unlike minded people serve me way better though - even though it's absolutely infuriating sometimes - like minded people are a comfort, but I find myself needing like-minded people in my life less and less. My partner is a perfect example: he is oil and I'm water, we piss each other off in a real way at least every 1 -2 months. It's ground shattering and makes me question why I chose this person who aside from basic human decency, ultimate kindness and an inexplicable attraction and respect for one another, we have little in common. In fact, if we didn't have a mutual friend who teeters on the edge of social and charming and quiet and eccentric, we wouldn't know each other (also, you know, aside from the fact that we were born on opposite ends of the planet). I've tried for years to be comfortable in crowds, the only thing that it's proved is that I require alcohol if I'm expected to hold a conversation with someone I've either just met, or am only mildly acquainted with. I also don't have a stop button for booze so I also turn into an insufferable drunk. Socially, I'm like a drunk Linus, and alcohol is my miraculous blue blanket. If I do make friends, I often question how I made them because the friends I do have, happened effortlessly and I've had them for years. I can count my friends on almost both my hands; neither party (to my knowledge) forced the other to be
friends, it just was.

But I don't consider my friends a community or a tribe. For the most part, at least 1/4 of them don't know each other or have only met briefly in passing (or in two cases, 3 of us haven't met in person at all!). I've tried to find community online, but (this sounds bad) this takes a lot of effort. Either making videos or commenting, or taking photos, or facebook, or the whole mirad of ways that social media connects strangers. I hate feeling obliged to like, "heart" something, or say something. If it wasn't for the fact that I lived practically on another planet I wouldn't still have facebook, or instagram - I'd have twitter, as that's more amusement and I generally only follow people I don't know or people who make me laugh.

The whole idea of community or "finding your tribe" gives me a lot of anxiety because in the esoteric community there is this weird emphasis on it, and for me, because I'm still working on insecurity and "being OK with me". I've tried being a team player in a world that seems to love team sports; but I'm really just more of a "singles" tournament player.

I  heard a quote by someone (when I heard it I nearly had an anxiety attack) that "the time of the lone wolf is over". I don't even know if I'd describe myself as a lone wolf, as I do have a wonderful partner, family and friends, what my issue tends to be is wanting to meet new people. Often times I don't actually consider the possible benefits of making new friends (...are there benefits?) or cementing connections. I wouldn't call myself prickly in social situations with new faces, but I wouldn't call myself welcoming either. All of this feels like it's constantly swirling in my head, because my partner is so social and enjoys making new connections with people. He is exceedingly confident and well adjusted, and I am exceedingly not confident and only mildly well adjusted. That said I'm not "oh woe is me about" the situation, just intrigued, at the heart of our relationship I guess you could say we enjoy challenging each other and have a genuine love for simple things and adventures (like actual adventures like travel and sleeping in the desert and camel riding, but also the quiet kinds too, like finding a new foot path near our house).

Obviously it's strange to try and sum up why you and someone else have chosen to be together and have a shared life, but lately our glaringly obvious differences really excite me and make me wonder how this handsome sun god creature has chosen someone like me. I wouldn't call it flattering either, because our relationship just happened, against every odd.

But back to the idea of community and tribes, as I could sometimes talk about my fella for hours. I've just never been into cultivating a tribe, or seeking out a sense of community. While I would rarely ever venture to call myself a witch in any serious way, the witchyness about me sort of puts me on the periphiery. Not saying you can't contribute in community or have a tribe if you are a witch, but I've been really feeling the solitary Baba Yaga vibe. The idea that I should find a tribe feel really limiting to me, that I'm part of something is stiefeling to me. But this lack of want is complex, because I do have people in my life that are the solar system to me even if the bug the piss out of me, but at the same time I would hardly call them my tribe, and this sounds weird, but I don't want them as part of my tribe either. I don't want a community or tribe, but at the same time I don't want to be isolated. It sounds like I want my cake and to eat it too, which is actually logical. If you have a cake, why wouldn't you eat it?

The Flow

This isn't about going with the flow...as such, I guess indirectly it is, but I'm talking about my flow. My aunt Flo, my period, my rag...I don't really like "Aunt Flo" as a euphemism for my menstrual cycle, my aunts are all delightful and when they visit they bring Finnish doughnuts. This Aunt Flo (while I've accepted it as an intricate cycle of life) is like a flaky, emotional eating bitch. This bitch came as I was on the treadmill, luckily she gave me war-vision for the task at hand. After the gym - as session that was cut short due to cramping and lightness of head - I had already intended to stop at the grocery store to get bananas and peaches. This grocery store didn't have peaches, they had nectarines. This pissed us - flo and I - off; in retaliation we bought M&M cookies, crackers, chips, a jumbo chocolate bar and some buffalo mozzarella. Flo is like that free-loading friend who you know is coming and you're determined to stand your ground and say:

 "hey, we've cut down on refined sugar and trans fats, and champagne during the week, let's just stick to the bananas and the apples (that you replaced the peaches with)!" It's like she didn't even hear me.

It was more like: "oh hey gurl, can you get some snacks? I don't have any money to spot you, but like I'll get you back later - I'm good for it. Oooooh get something sweet, and salty, but make sure it' creamy and crispy too."

Never does Ms. Flo provide you reason or good judgement, she's all fire and water. Which I'm not bashing, but like...really? I just consumed a whole bag of chips, and I just ate 2 large M&M cookies, with full intention of eating crackers and cheese, paired with a sparkling Rosé with full intentions of watching a show I know I'll weep my way through until I fall asleep. 


Thank God my gorgeous man is working tonight, because this shit isn't pretty, its horrifying and resembles some kind of mania. I'm like a bleeding Tasmanian devil of ravenous hunger, tears, and ultimate regret for eating all this crap. I have no self control, I am a hedonist at heart. And Ms Flo is the fairy godmother of gluttony and sloth. ---->


But in terms of going with the flow, like actually just embracing what this moody diva teaches, is that it's extremely needed for me to do this - i.e. nothing - and retreat from the world (you know in a logical daily needs kind of way). Without getting into any details, personal and otherwise, I'm doing that. I'm increasingly annoyed at everything so, sugar is taking some time to flip off the world and chill out in my coocoon and have frequent romantic dinners with boyfriend, and to go to the gym to get those skinny rich girl arms and a thigh gap, and I guess meditate and talk to dolphins and whales, or whatever. 

FRIDAY

This probably won't be a regular thing, as consistency has never been my strong point. But if this does happen again, it will be on a Friday.

5 Topics / 5 Things

Favourite Crystals (right now):
1. Moonstone
2. Tektite (Black, Golden, Moldavite)
3. Natural Quartz Points
4. Vivianite
5. Black Tourmaline

Favourite jams from the past week  (The music, not the spread): 

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

Things I've been thinking about this week: 

1. Tie-dye + socks

2. making alter art

3. Lack of clean laundry

4. Magick/Energy-work/Honduras 

5. Asking myself if I'm reading too many books at the same time?

What I'm going to do this weekend:

1. Go to the gym

2. eat a lot of spicy food

3. clean

4. Assume the guise of a laundry deity

5. Read/relax/chill/drink in moderation

Morning routine:

1. drink a full glass of water/make tea

2. acknowledge and feed my "alter"

3. meditate 

4. get cold to have a warm shower

5. dry hair/dress/turn heater off.

Crystals n' Shit : 1

I'm kind of a slut when it comes to crystals, or an addict. I'm a slutty-addict for crystals AND minerals. Just so you know that it's not some kind of cutesy street name for crystal-meth. I'm definitely not keen on crystal-meth. I think Breaking Bad sort of glamorised meth habits...I mean yeah, TV and all.

I'm a crystal slut --------->

I don't think I've ever passed a shop that sells crystals and was like "yeah, I'll check this back later". Only when the store has been locked and the lights are off, but I'm still at the window for a good while figuring out a way that I could "accidentally" get into the store ( I have yet to find a way where I'm not in some kind of legal trouble). If I'm out shopping with boyfriend and he knows a crystal shop is on the agenda, he knows he'll be at a nearby pub for at least 2 hours. It makes it super easy for gifts too, as I'm a whore for more.

I used to work in a crystal and mineral store; it catered to a wider "new age" and Pagan customer base as well, but crystals were the thing. I wouldn't every say I'm a crystal expert, as the sciencey bit I'm more or less vague about, but the metaphysical aspect, I'm no novice. Basically, I know how to talk to people about crystals, I can easily help someone when it comes to starting out with crystals, what to look for, what to watch-out for, etc. I doubt I'd ever venture into the realm of crystal healing for others (quite frankly, I have no interest in healing others or coaching) I've played with the idea, but honestly, when it comes down to it - this sounds bad - but I just don't care. That said, I enjoy listening to others and what they have to say, and I don't mind, at all passing any info I've gathered to others who might be seeking.

I like making mandalas or grids with crystals, and I really enjoy reading about how others do them...that video of that kid who makes crystal grids was really awesome. It's really fun learning about how others weave crystal energies for healing or abundance or whatever. Especially kids, I'm not necessarily a kid person, but it's always valuable and kinda cute to hear what they have to say about these shiny pointy things. You want simplification talk to a kid.

<-------This is something like how my Saturday mornings start off like :3

When shopping, because mines and stuff are kind of far for me to get to, and I don't drive, I'm both open to going anywhere for crystals and a giant snob. Maybe it's because I worked for a crystal shop, that was in my opinion, and experience the (mutha-fuckin) best shop I've seen. There are a few on line retailers that have found room in my heart as well (shout out The Moon Spirit and The Sage Goddess!), but as for live beings- The Crystal Dawn, in my home and native land - is by far one of the best physical shops. The staff - especially when I was working there - were amazing. They still are! Since I've been to a few road side stands, out-door markets, and some horrid travesty shops, where every stone someone picked up was "the highest vibration". As soon as you tell me something is "the highest vibration" or "the most powerful" red flags jump up saying: buzz words!!! I'm not saying it's the crystals fault, but people who make money in the new age and pagan circuit...it's their fault. Granted, there are a lot of crystals with "exceedingly high vibrations" for a large majority of people, there are people out there (me, for one) who feel nothing. Where that crystal is a hunk of space debris or a chunk of fallen mountain side nothing. The high vibration bit, is - for me- part marketing ploy and part legit descriptor of what you can expect based on a small margin of other's experiences.

Like my last post, this is your journey, if you feel blown away by a readily available rose quartz and your heart chakra explodes that is real "high vibration" shit to me. That's what really counts how you connect. It so doesn't have to be a piece of Moldavite or Ajote in Quartz.  That said, knowing how you connect to crystals can take time. Sometimes you feel super on it, and you connect with a crystal like a volcano erupting, other times, it's a pretty rock in your hand. It can be discouraging especially when it was so good the time before!

It has taken me a really long time to suss out how I do things when compared to how a book or someone might explain how to feel crystal energy or whatever. I can help you pick a crystal, but I wouldn't venture into telling you how to work with it, that's your journey, and  there are tons of books on how to, also I'm just not a teacher. Actually, art school helped me do a lot of what I do now; I had a drawing teacher that said: "we're just teaching you a way of how to create an image, after you graduate, or now, I don't care, forget the rules, just do it your own way".