A Little Rant

I say "a little rant" as if somehow it will make it less annoying, somehow. No one likes to complain, but it's really normal and healthy if you do. It's just fucking annoying to hear it from someone or the same someone (me) all the time.

Really, I have nothing to complain about. By and large, I'm extremely fortunate. I've travelled a good deal, I've never (except for a brief stint in uni, but that hardly counts) wondered when I'm going to eat next, I went to university, and art school, and yet I experience hardship. Granted it's guilty Western white girl hardship, but still, it's hard and and feels...like a ship...(I had no where to go on that one).

I often tell people "oh yeah Australia is great" "oh it's just hard finding job, 'cause of my visa" "oh there is just a lot of competition, Sydney is HUGE". Sometimes you just have to sit back and sort of deal with the fact that your life isn't always for your making- no matter how many new age books or manifestation mantras you read tell you it is. Life is

a force of nature, and frankly, it's a bit Polyanna to think that "you've got this" 100% of the time. Positive thinking and "looking on the bright side" truly are wonderful concepts, but they are not real ways of dealing with a shitty hand. What is real, is that sometimes you just have sit in the bullshit, because, you don't make enough money at a job that makes you hate life. It's not like I haven't tried look at the positives (of which, there are many) or tried to look for another job; I've been looking for a job for...I've lost track of how long and it's exhausting, mentally, emotionally and physically. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but the trick is, I wanted it to be; typically what I want and what actually happens rarely line up. Luckily I'm not an over achiever, and I've never really given a shit about impressing anyone (and somehow I expect things to run in my favour?), so I've always coasted by and sometimes things do go my way.

I'm in a city that loves over achievers and lots of flash, and my understated, don't-really-care nature clash when looking for a job where I need to go beyond what I'm actually reasonably capable of to impress others. I've always had trouble "faking it till I make it" because it's exhausting. I don't - as a rule - kissed up to anyone,  if I don't like you I don't waste my time; faking has never been my style and it's really see through when I attempt to take it on, I come off like a creepy hand puppet. The only thing I can promise an employer is that I do my absolute best, I'm there to work and do the task at hand, not make trouble and generally, be my nice, friendly, albeit shy-self.

I'm not afraid of hard work and I am a hard worker, but there is hard work and then there is bullshit work. The two can over lap, but they are certainly not the same thing. The only thing that is actually difficult about my current job situation is that I actually experience work place bullying. Not (always) by my employer, but from clients with egos made of sugar glass. I contradicted them twice, and since I've been the target of veiled threats against my job, and straight-up name calling. And frankly, the kind of employer that I have, I don't and won't get support that is required when you have groups of people being jerks.

On a spiritual level, I've let go of looking for a job. It's just draining me. I've just let go of putting it out there for something amazing to come to me. Plenty of amazing looking jobs have come my way, I've applied, but they always find someone better suited, or more qualified. There is only so much searching you can do before you just stop caring, stop hoping, stop waiting and just be grateful that you have a job as it is. It's certainly not perfect, it barely pays the bills, but I have one, and some people don't.

I get a lot of "why don't you work for yourself?" which is a fair question, a lot of people fed up with working for others do tend to work better as their own boss. A lot of people ask that type of question when they find out I've been to art school, it's like "oh gee, why hadn't I thought about that before?!" Of course I have, there is a reason I don't, and it's that I hate kissing ass. As an artist, unless you're naturally, and endearingly a genius recluse, no one cares. Making someone care about what you do is sort of the opposite of of a genius endearing talent. If you're not that, you're stuck kissing ass going to shows, letting people know about you - AKA all things I've never given a rats ass about doing. I create for the enjoyment of doing it, to express what I am not able to put into words. I'm often reluctant to sell (when I've had the opportunity) to others, unless I have visitation rights. I'm also so wishy-washy that, a month on I'll be so mortified that I made that I'll chuck it. Sometimes art is for that time and place, not for eternity. But I understand why people suggest these things, it's out of kindness and it's also a kind way of asking you to shut up and do something. But sometimes, if you're like me, you have done something, a lot of something, and eventually, you just stop caring.

Eventually, I'll have nothing to say about my life - employment-wise, right now it's the initial realization that this is it. Some people just live, they find moments of joy, but for the most part they just quietly live, expecting nothing more than what is  at this present moment. Letting go of expectations that are at best naively silly and and worst far flung dreams that you mirror from TV or books that aren't realistically possible. Not everyone can be lucky, not everyone's dreams come true. It's not a bad thing, it just is what it is. And sometimes letting go of what you want or have worked for is the only relief you can get, I feel like happiness might come after relief.