Introversion

Despite having the ability to talk your face off, I am extremely shy, and introverted and am hyper sensitive. I talk a lot because I try to compensate for the fact that I am so shy. My brain moves faster than my tongue can form the words - and sometimes I just talk, without thinking, because I think that I must speak. Luckily the people that count think this feature is incredibly endearing. I also have extreme anxiety when it comes to engaging in social situations where new or unfamiliar people are involved. The ironic part of this is that I love new experiences, travelling, and I like people from a distance. My social interaction over the past few years has diminished ever so slowly to the point now that when invited out, I'll find any way I can to get out of plans that I agreed to in the first place. I like knowing people are there for me to talk to, but I have trouble making the effort to nurture these relationships; it's half anxiety and half laziness.

There is a saying that the time of the lone wolf is over, which kind of freaks me out. I am not implying that I don't want social connection, but sometimes I wonder why these social interactions are necessary. I know that all living beings require social interaction, which I agree with - to a point. I have a small social group of people that I make significant connections with, it's not that there is no room to make new connections but making connections with others has always been difficult. Not to say that I'm cliquey, but...I am. Totally.

According to the Myers - Briggs personality locater, I am an INFP. I react to situations based on my feelings. I'm of course introverted, and I find myself tremendously drained when I have to hang out with others that I have no feeling of a "future" of our relationship. My friendships are curated very intensely. While I say I'm not cliquey, I am. I am totally cliquey. Not to say that others aren't worthy of my time or attention, what I'm saying is I don't waste my time on people who I don't get a good feeling from. I increasingly have little time for time wasters, and I certainly don't want to waste anyone else's time.

I much prefer small groups of people, and even better yet, communicating with people on line. I have no problem spending days on end alone. There is a point when it can get lonely, but then I think about contacting someone and I become exhausted, and then I go back to being content being "alone".

Even looking at the words "alone", "dependency", "introversion/extroversion", and "one" they imply so much, and are words that exist separately in different contexts. Within my spiritual practise I prefer to be physically alone, mentally/spiritually, however, I do feel connected on a profound basis, and not on the basis of feeling resentment or any kind of exhaustion.My social interaction (my "safe"social interaction) is primarily on line. I allow myself to meet and connect with others, share ideas, and engage in a socially creative environment, but in effect, I am "alone". When I am physically with other people I feel a kind of separateness that lately has left me feeling alone and desperate for connection but also exhausted at the thought of physical togetherness. I am often at my most powerful when I am alone. Despite this empowerment of being alone - physically - I've been seeing more and more messages within the spiritual community that we are at our most powerful or whatever when we make those connections with others.

My partner is an extrovert through and through (however, like all of us, there is another side of him that requires "his time".) and I am true introvert (ha, except for those years when I was going out 4-5 days a week feeding off the attention I could get while single - see again, that "other side" we all have is apparent). The thought of "trying" to look good, or being around people I only kind of know reduces me to a full on anxiety attack and fully embracing the banshee within (yes, screaming and crying, and obviously pissing off my partner). I get so comfortable and I feel so safe in the bubble that we have created. To anyone who doesn't know me, it would look like I have intense dependency issues - however, after reading Teal Scott's blog on what dependency actually is - I also share the view that "dependency" is just a reflection that your needs are not being met. I'm not using that as an excuse to be a raging cunt either; my raging anxiety filled state is a reflection of feeling unsafe with others, not trusting others, and feeling put upon when it comes to being around people I really don't want to be around. It's extremely liberating to not do things you don't want to do in the first place, which makes having to go out hugely difficult for me, because I end up going out of the need to not be seen as selfish. I have been accused of being selfish many times - when it couldn't be farther from the truth; the way I look at it is, why put other people in your war path of anxiety and a false sense of duty? Why bring that energy into a situation that should other wise be "fun". Instead of others seeing it from that perspective, I've often had others call me a spoil sport, negative, and of course selfish. I'm not trying to be a martyr either, the point is asking: why bring that energy into a space? Why create shame and guilt for not going when any social activity would be more enjoyable without that energy. Don't confuse how you interact with someone on an person to person basis to how that person interacts on a person to many people basis. Just because I click with one or a few people in one setting doesn't mean that same connection or interaction will be replicated in a scenario that is absolutely different (ie a party with more people).

All of that said doesn't mean that I don't want connection - I absolutely do, but I'm on a journey of how to achieve that connection without the crippling anxiety. I feel like I'm becoming a lot more attuned to this aspect of my personality lately, because I live in a city that is pretty flash and very image centric. As chilled out as some aspects are it is very difficult to make meaningful connections. The most meaningful connections that I've made since moving to Sydney have been on line. I have yet to make any connections where I can feel like I'm not bothering someone if I attempt to socialise or chat. But, like I said the this solitude is much more "at home" than forcing myself to be around others when I don't want to be.

Tarot Review: Art Nouveau by Lo Scabaro

This will eventually be made into a video. But I'm sick.
...And at work.

Here you go Karen :) Hope this helps!

This was my first and only tarot deck. I have more oracle decks than tarot. I find tarot are sort of like the introverts of the divination world. Because I an introvert as well, I know how important it is to get to know someone/ something especially if you on the fence about a particular subject or person.

I've had this deck for about 5 years now.

Do I like the deck? Yes

Do I love the deck? I don't know yet.

I find tarot and oracle decks so hard to pin down, the personal experience you gain when you work with anything really speaks to your relationship. I treasure these cards as a tool, but is it love? No, just appreciation - for me anyway.

I love anything that looks old worldly, or harkens back to another time or place. The Art Nouveau tarot is beautiful each card is it's own little painting. When I do readings, people often remark on how beautiful the cards are. They have a very delicate energy to them; there is almost an aloofness with the wisdom you can draw from them-they are absolutely intriguing. Kind of like the elves in Lord of the Rings, if that makes sense?

While the imagery on the cards is really beautiful, it sometimes can make it more challenging to find more to them. It is a good idea to know "basic" tarot notions or be fine with going with intuitive messages (which is what I do more often than not). They have little to no symbology that you might find with the Rider Waite tarot which makes it difficult for someone just starting out. The images are like the Art Nouveau period, made for the sake of being beautiful, which is sometimes seen as the cards major flaw in a lot of reviews I've seen: "the women are just beautiful" "they don't do anything". Those complaints are kind of true, but because I'm just drawn to the cards I've soldiered on as I've done, and to my knowledge, I have done effective, helpful readings for others.

The booklet that comes with it is typical to the Lllwelyn style, small, thin, fits in the box with the cards. The only descriptions of the cards it provides is the up right position, so again, you will have to have a more intermediate understanding of the cards, or think abstractly when you do get a reverse card.

As someone who is a feminist and is quick to find the misogyny in images (especially in the new age/pagan world...another topic all together) I found the Kings in the minor archana gross- beautiful but silly. For starters all of the Kings are nude or draped (extremely well built old men with beards) with beautiful young women fawning over them usually at their feet. For me this kind of imagery lends a totally different reading of what the King cards come to traditionally mean. It often ends up coming thr
ough for any reading I've done, (i.e. the querent is feeling dominated by a man or a situation) so I guess it works, but it still comes off a little dated and silly- but those are my own issues coming through as well.

Another complaint I've read (but not really cared about) in other reviews of this deck was that there weren't that many men depicted. Which is true, but that didn't take away from the deck. Like I said, the King cards are a bit silly (I don't have daddy issues so old men with white beards don't do it for me), but there are a few "man" cards that are gorgeous. I'd also hazard to say that they play a little too much into typical gender roles (Strength is portrayed by two males, albeit they are centaurs which are usually symbols of human ability to be wild and rational but still.)...but again that is my own little qualm.

As you build a relationship with the cards, it becomes easier to notice patterns, and see the story develop between the cards in relation to the reading. These cards are intriguing to say the least, their muted colours even for some of the more sevier cards ( i.e. The Devil, Death, 9 of Swords) speak to that aloofness I mentioned before. There is more going on behind the surface I'm sure. I keep my eyes open for any new symbols or signs in the cards. The cards like Death, the Devil and the 9 of Swords are some of the most striking cards in the deck. Their colours and what they invoke do a lot for me. I'm often stunned when I do readings and they pop up. No idea why as of yet. 

I cannot say I'd recommend them, but I wouldn't dissaude anyone from getting them. I'm super picky and immediately contrary when people say "oh you will just love this" I make it my personal mission to hate it, or find something "wrong" with. Only later will I come around to my true opinion, and sheepishly admit that "you were right". 

I can't say that I love the cards, but I've had a hard time finding another deck of tarot cards that I want to work with. There is more to find out with these cards-that much I do know. 

Pop Pantheon!

Awhile back, Joanna DeVoe did a video on creating your own pop pantheon, and I thought it was brilliant, fun, and an amazing exploration into how you might deal with life. I had TONS of fun building mine! A good friend of mine back home in Canada often would shape who would be in our bar brawl team, or who we would pit in a celebrity death match style fight, so I had a good idea of who I hold in esteem, but building a pop pantheon would look at why I hold these figures in esteem, and consequently what kind of "deity" they represent to me. Consequently, I've discovered that I hold love and beauty in high regard and I have little to...actually, no men in my pantheon! I'm still not sure what the lack of men mean to my little pantheon!

So lets roll this out!

First, my Gaia figure, the mother goddess:

Yeah, Dolly Parton. She be my queen mother. I don't think "what would Jesus do" I think "what would Dolly do?" and more often than not, you can learn  that kindness is paramount, and mistakes are inevitable, so don't beat yourself up if you are having an off day, roll with the punches, and NEVER trust a woman named Jolene!

The Crone, the destructress/the creatrix:

Anyone who can let loose like this, has reached a point of creativity and manifestation that you cannot deny! Aside from the fact that she has reached the crone stage, you have to reach beyond polarity to just let go like Yoko Ono does.

The Trickster Goddess:

Britney Spears/Bald Britney

When she had her melt down in 2007, I really found myself opening up to her and her music like I never thought I would. For years this woman had been socially groomed and media groomed, then one day she had it, shaved her head and made the Blackout album. I challenge you not to appreciate that album on the deceivingly deep level that I think creation and manifestation made, it's sounds dumb, but its a hot mess, but a necessary one! I fully appreciate that Britney has her issues, but she in this moment got real and owned herself. We are all trying to be someone, but sometimes we need a melt down to come back to ourselves. And as the background on my laptop, and my life moto says: if Britney can get through 2007, I can get through this day. 

The Love Goddess:

Kylie Minogue, yeah, love, beauty, empowerment...she is my go-to for feeling beautiful and powerful. Often before any magic I perform, I listen to the song Aphrodite by Kylie, I also strut more when walking and listening to her, and the wind always seems to blow in my hair all sassy-like making me feel like it's me in charge of the wind.

Creativity:

Bjork. Um...yeah. I guess this is obvious. But it's also about craftsmanship, and not being off the wall for the sake of it, and also not being so contrived that there is you think "oh what now..." *cough*ladygaga*cough*. As much as possible I take on that lesson and openly invite critique, but also without loosing my own vision.

There are other figures of course within my pantheon, but these women I find eye opening and inspiring and all figures I listen to in my day to day life. There isn't a moment where one of them isn't on any of my play lists. Anyone else I add is pretty much another "deity" that fits into these catagories that are so important in my life. Ultimitely it's expressive, and it's about a journey that you just are more open to as the days pass.

Anyhow, it's been a long week, and I'm exhausted!

Looking Like a Witch?

Generally speaking I do like to look good, and as a result of looking good, I feel good too(um...duh)! Most of the time, and because I am not a morning person I could give less of a shit about what I look like. As long as their is no obvious pillow marks on my face and I smell good/am clean, I'm good to go; though as I go through the day I regret not being better about going to bed early the previous night so I could have a sufficient amount of time to take care of myself in the morning...

I'm way better about actually brushing my hair than I used to be; that was something  I never did, but I started getting kind of embarrassed when I'd try to unknott my hair in public (hair inevitably flying everywhere, essentially ripping it out...). If you've ever read Memoirs of a Geisha by Arthur Golden there is point in the book where the Hatsumomo and her friend traded hair pins or something and Auntie (I think?) is grossed out because that is apparently like switching underwear. Since reading that I've been real conscious of grooming my hair too much in public - why I don't know, but I guess it's kind of gross - not the trading hair pins bit but what I used to do. 

In high school I really wanted to be goth, I (poorly) attempted, though by 11th grade I found "trying" was too much work, and most of the "goth" kids I knew were dorks and know-it-alls so I moved away from that and just wore what I wanted (before goth I was cute little hippy chick, then my wannabe goth phase, which then just lent itself to grunge because the goth thing freaked my mom out and... I wasn't allowed to wear make up). I mean I can actually recall being in my late teens when my friends were going into the goth clothing shop and thinking "this is all so much work..." I think I can only think that I wanted to try the goth thing out was because my friends were sort of going in that direction, then as I came to own more of my own expression of style I found that I like really simple cuts. I've always been slightly awkward, and when I thought I wanted to visually stand out and did, it just made me uncomfortable. That said, I am intrinsically attracted to the look of eccentric women, especially if they have a sort of witchy vibe. There is just something impressive about woman who really own a blend of sexuality and genuine quirkiness in their everyday wardrobe. If I end up achieving this special blend, it's on the weekend and by accident. 

Some of my witchy style icons (not all of these women are witches, also no particular order): 

Sarah Sanderson: She may not have a lot going on upstairs but everything else is working fine! 

Morticia Adams: Now and forever. Actually, Angelica Huston. 

Lamia (from Stardust): Actually, just Michelle Pfeiffer. 

Maxine Sanders: Look at that bitch! Loves it! She's also claimed that witches (today) are "sometimes more weird and "Gothic" looking - not at all like the Beautiful People of the Sixties" (The Book of English Magic, p 199). Which I kind of agree with, actually completely agree with (more on that later). 

Um...Aunt Frances. The day I can walk out my door confidently in a kimono, I'll know I've arrived. 

Aunt Jet, personality wise, I'm almost there, but hair wise I am not. I can't wait until I start putting miniature fans in my hair. 

I dress like Sally during the week, and Gillian on the weekend. 

Can you really have anything witch related without including the girls from The Craft? Not that I'm emulating high school students, but common, they were like, 25 when filming this. Also, the 90's are back, there is nothing we can do about it, we can only embrace short skirts, baby doll dresses and thigh high socks. I've still got 3 years of my 20s left, I'm milking it. 

I'm a jeans and T-shirt kind of gal, I'm also extraordinarily boring with how I express my personal style- I know what looks good on me, I have a few of what I call "fun pieces," but mostly I like simple things. Now, because of I don't outwardly express my spiritual practise, I have also been told that I don't "look like a witch" and been treated like a moron. Now I know these people who said and did these things are just dealing with their own shit and projecting it on me, so for the most part it's rolled off my back, but it did make me think: do witches have to look like anything? Do spiritual people have to look like anything? It's kind of like a superfluous kind of "racism" -which I know sounds utterly dumb - but because I look as dull as dry toast, people think I mustn't know anything on the craft, or on subjects of spirituality - which is complete shit. Look, I like khakis, I like white blouses, I don't wear (obvious) pagan related jewelry. I've never been into colouring my hair, or body modification, but does that make me less interesting or any less of a witch? 

I don't think witches "look" like anything or anyone. There is a "look" because people have made one up, but it isn't exactly real to me in the sense that you can define a witch by looks alone; for example, I don't "look" like how people might expect a witch to look. So, OK, sure, more often than not, we, as witches, magickal or spiritually inclined people are an eccentric bunch, but some of the actual odd balls I've met are the so-called "normal" non-religious or straight up non descriptive monotheistic types. Sure I am attracted to more "eccentric" dress, but that doesn't highlight my practise, nor does it identify my spirituality. 

It must come from some teenage or young adult form of defining who you are, and building relationships based on commonality-the first thing we recognize is how we look so naturally you might gravitate to people who look like they might hold your world view. But what about those seemingly straight-laced Republican type people who are into BDSM? How was that initiated in the bedroom from people who look like the cow girl position is pushing it? I mean my point is, just because a witch isn't wearing black, or romantic flowing gowns doesn't mean that they aren't witches. 

If you recall me quoting Maxine Sanders exclaiming that witches were no long the the "beautiful people" of the 60s, I found that interesting, because if you look at her, she was quintessentially a dreamy 60's flower child! And now, I find as well a lot of witches sort of "market" themselves in a dark sort of fashion. Again I find nothing wrong with either, but personally I would rather emulate Maxine Sanders than Laurie Cabot. I mean it's all self expression, so as long as you feel good, you will look good. 

Isn't weird to think that everything has been seen/thought/heard/felt/touched before, but they will always be new and unique expressions for everyone that experiences them! Nothing and everything is new!