Sunday 26 October 2014

Life Update.

I'm super not a fan of life updates. I talk a lot, but it's my goal to talk a lot to not say a lot. If I had enough self-esteem to say that I liked to hear myself talk, that would be the reason, but I'm far, far, too self deprecating for that.

This is more, cathartic, and I'm hoping that if I send out into the universe in as many directions as possible that I'm looking for a decently paid, supportive environment - along with my own efforts - I'll find one, and one will find me and we'll find each other and it will be good.

If you follow me on twitter...then you know I have a job - while grateful to be employed - but it's bitter-sweet. Without getting into much detail I work in a highly dysfunctional place, from the top level down to me; I've been working here over a year and basically have leaned to cover my ass and do my job without walking on people, or blaming others because everyone is so embittered who works here. Any initiative that is attempted is stamped on and no one really knows what is going on 100% of the time. ANYWAY, I digress...and on twitter I go on frequent rants, keep up there.

Since looking for a job I've been stuck on a how to enact the "law of attraction" and being mindful of self talk and how I speak with others, as well as honouring my feelings. Because, frankly after 9 months of searching I feel pretty shit. It's exhausting. I'm also not naturally competitive or good at talking myself up. I've also never had an issue getting a job before. I've always known someone, and they basically gave me the job on a silver platter.


Me sending resumes





                          
                               How I feel (sometimes an hour after sending my application) waiting for a call back




                                  
Getting the call back


                              
How eloquent I am in the interview



After the interview

Most of the time if it's a woman the age of 45 + they love me. I can't explain why, but they all think I'm charming and hilarious. Which is true. Despite having tons of experience in the jobs I've applied for, there is usually a (this is the recruiter telling me) someone with more experience and less personality than me. I'm someone people want to work with, but "economically speaking from a business perspective" they would spend less time training the other person (and more time ruing the day they didn't hire me). I'm certain sexual favours were offered or large sums of cash money, because twice now I've been told "you're a shoe-in, they love you, they were actually raving about how awesome you are" to be told "they went with the boring one with more experience". I'm paraphrasing there but you get the gist. 

What hurts more is knowing that I'm not at work today giving my two weeks. I'm here, on the search again, repeating this cycle. This time I hope with a new ending. Something comparable to this: 
Me getting a job (by the end of the month, tops).

Monday 20 October 2014

On Halloween

I'm not into it. I have no reason, it's just not my favourite social holiday. Christmas is. I'm not against Halloween, I just don't "do it". Fair game for those that do, but I will politely decline your invites to parties, or group costume invitations (though being that I live in a place with none of my friends near by...this isn't so much an issue now). When I was a child there was a payout, I got to goof around in school for a day, and I got candy when I  asked at night. As an adult I can dress up as something pre-made and "sexy", or I can go all out and do something creative for a party or get-together. Neither of which I want to pay for or make an effort for. One, "looking sexy" is not something I enjoy doing, and most adult costumes for women are pretty misogynistic version of sexy...and I don't like being cold - which is what happens when you dress as a sexy cop, fire-fighter, nun, witch, etc. Creative costumes, which can be sexy or not, are an automatic no, quite simply, I don't care, and if I'm going to make clothing, I'm going to wear it more than one day a year.

The above is pretty much my reasoning behind not actively taking part in Halloween. It's just not fun for me. However, having this known, usually I get accused of "spoiling the fun"trust me, I would spoil the fun if I was there not dressed up, "being boring" I'm not, I can't justify this, but I'm not boring...to me anyway, "being strange" I also can't justify this...but not doing what others do...doesn't make me strange, or having people tell me "it's just one day a year!" no shit Sherlock! I still don't want to invest the time or money when I could drink wine in my bed, rather than wear a skimpy or bulky costume with more with a smelly mask or itchy wig or make-up. 

I've just never gotten pleasure out of wearing a costume. When I was a child I dressed up because...that's what you did, but as soon as I was given the option not to, I didn't put the effort in and stopped altogether - I stopped getting costumed up probably at the age of 9 or 10 - I trick-or-treated, but it was becoming a hassle. By 11, I gave up, mostly because of my height, parents thought I was much older, and used to ask how old I was before the decided what candy to give me; but also my mum got bored of handing out candy. Why hand out candy, when you have kids who are kind of over trick or treating, to do it for you? Isn't that what having kids is all about? Getting them to do the stuff that is too tedious for you to do? My mom's philosophy anyway. We all came to the consensus when I was about 15 to pretend we weren't home. As I got older, my parents were both more blatant about it. They didn't even pretend they weren't home, and it became a trend, both sides of our neighbours followed suit. Not liking Halloween is sort of a family affair. I mean it's not like we're holding picket signs, but once my sister and I stopped being cute, it was kind of like, "who cares?" No one. Not in my house. Also, Halloween in Canada is cold and sometimes we get a first dusting of snow, so you're stuck looking ridiculous putting your costume over a coat. It worked with my witch costume, it made my Raggedy-Anne costume look like a clown and my princess look like a raggedy-ass drag queen -though some of the fault lands on my mom's so-called make-up skills; if my Mum was a drinker I would have blamed intoxication, but there is no reason why my make up was that bad - just like there is no reason why I don't like Halloween.

My partner who is a joiner and happy to participate in social events regardless of the requirement goes off and does whatever. He always encourages me to at least make an effort, but why make an effort when you have a full bottle of wine and a warm bed, and it's not like I'm not festive! I'll watch Hocus Pocus and the Craft. That said, me watching those movies in bed with wine could be any time the mood strikes me...which is a lot. What I'm saying is, I have no reason to not like Halloween, and I don't need one. I'm just sick of answering the questions, and oddly being persecuted for liking (OK,tolerating) the clothing I have (can afford) now and not (apparently) expressing my alter ego.

Wednesday 27 August 2014

Magic and the "Real World"

I don't know if it's because I have a degree in political science or the myriad of classes that I took in university relating to religion and history...but a lot of my thoughts about magic and spell work have been revolving around that kind of political science idea. Which is super weird, because if you are in any way not of the big three monotheistic religions or beliefs, your fucking bat shit in political science terms, or at best an endearing eccentric whose probably really into women's studies and environmentalism (as if that's a bad thing...).

My first year Political Science 100 prof loved The Matrix. I've never seen The Matrix, but I know the blue pill/red pill reference, and I get it. He said (something to the effect of) studying politics or how the world works, is like taking the _____ pill (I don't know which of the pills do what, and I don't care, and no I won't watch the movie to find out), you can't go back. Which is true. I've never really taken to conventional education systems but they are good at forcing you to think, and giving you the basic frame work in which to think, if you're like me and you require a basic platform of the who's and what's. If that doesn't make sense, I'm kind of a wiz at putting together Ikea furniture. I just need to know how many of what I need and an allen key, and a picture of what the unit should resemble, and I've -literally- got it made. That's kind of how I am with learning. I like to know what I can use, who good references are, a bit of a chat, and boom, I can sort myself out.

So back to the blue/red pill analogy about making sense of the world we live in. When you look at the international politics, economy, local politics, the whole lot of the big picture in which our world works, you cannot look back, you cannot go back to the ignorance. Which, to be fair is true about anything, but the aforementioned topics are - to me - a fuck ton more baffling, sad, stupid and unfair.

I can get very easily lost in reading about various esoteric topics, because it is pretty blissful to read about, those are issues and concepts I can mess about with and have fun with because there are quite litterally, no limits. The 'real world' as I will call politics n' shit is not limitless. Correction, it is limitless in the fuckery it creates, in the injustices and the idiocy of burrocracy that it entails, in that it is limitless, but the limits it places on humans, on living beings: animals, nature, and humans it has a limitless construction of limits.

I can't really speak to any idea of a holographic reality or universe, because I've read next to nothing on it, and only really over heard discussions on that idea, and even then I'm somewhat doubtful about the information of the people that I was listening to about how the so-called holographic universe functions. I am a bit of a uni-snob despite not being totally academically minded myself. Like I said, this is my own bias on attaining information - and something I frequently check myself on - but if you're taking too much from one area ( the esoteric/new age info) you're not going to really understand what's going on presently. Presently, to me isn't just my present moment, because if you do read the news, however dubious it is, 'presently' extends beyond yourself, and you realize the totality of the idea of "everything is one". It doesn't freak me out, but it does put into perspective the hugeness of what being present can mean, and what being connected to the one can mean.

More of this ramble may come later...

Tuesday 19 August 2014

Individual / Community

I used to like the idea of community and being part of something, but I have to say, when I felt those things it's more that I wanted to feel those things. When I acted on a community level it always felt like their was a hand up my ass and directing my mouth and my actions on how to speak. Like minded people are great for like an hour, unlike minded people serve me way better though - even though it's absolutely infuriating sometimes - like minded people are a comfort, but I find myself needing like-minded people in my life less and less. My partner is a perfect example: he is oil and I'm water, we piss each other off in a real way at least every 1 -2 months. It's ground shattering and makes me question why I chose this person who aside from basic human decency, ultimate kindness and an inexplicable attraction and respect for one another, we have little in common. In fact, if we didn't have a mutual friend who teeters on the edge of social and charming and quiet and eccentric, we wouldn't know each other (also, you know, aside from the fact that we were born on opposite ends of the planet). I've tried for years to be comfortable in crowds, the only thing that it's proved is that I require alcohol if I'm expected to hold a conversation with someone I've either just met, or am only mildly acquainted with. I also don't have a stop button for booze so I also turn into an insufferable drunk. Socially, I'm like a drunk Linus, and alcohol is my miraculous blue blanket. If I do make friends, I often question how I made them because the friends I do have, happened effortlessly and I've had them for years. I can count my friends on almost both my hands; neither party (to my knowledge) forced the other to be
friends, it just was.

But I don't consider my friends a community or a tribe. For the most part, at least 1/4 of them don't know each other or have only met briefly in passing (or in two cases, 3 of us haven't met in person at all!). I've tried to find community online, but (this sounds bad) this takes a lot of effort. Either making videos or commenting, or taking photos, or facebook, or the whole mirad of ways that social media connects strangers. I hate feeling obliged to like, "heart" something, or say something. If it wasn't for the fact that I lived practically on another planet I wouldn't still have facebook, or instagram - I'd have twitter, as that's more amusement and I generally only follow people I don't know or people who make me laugh.

The whole idea of community or "finding your tribe" gives me a lot of anxiety because in the esoteric community there is this weird emphasis on it, and for me, because I'm still working on insecurity and "being OK with me". I've tried being a team player in a world that seems to love team sports; but I'm really just more of a "singles" tournament player.

I  heard a quote by someone (when I heard it I nearly had an anxiety attack) that "the time of the lone wolf is over". I don't even know if I'd describe myself as a lone wolf, as I do have a wonderful partner, family and friends, what my issue tends to be is wanting to meet new people. Often times I don't actually consider the possible benefits of making new friends (...are there benefits?) or cementing connections. I wouldn't call myself prickly in social situations with new faces, but I wouldn't call myself welcoming either. All of this feels like it's constantly swirling in my head, because my partner is so social and enjoys making new connections with people. He is exceedingly confident and well adjusted, and I am exceedingly not confident and only mildly well adjusted. That said I'm not "oh woe is me about" the situation, just intrigued, at the heart of our relationship I guess you could say we enjoy challenging each other and have a genuine love for simple things and adventures (like actual adventures like travel and sleeping in the desert and camel riding, but also the quiet kinds too, like finding a new foot path near our house).

Obviously it's strange to try and sum up why you and someone else have chosen to be together and have a shared life, but lately our glaringly obvious differences really excite me and make me wonder how this handsome sun god creature has chosen someone like me. I wouldn't call it flattering either, because our relationship just happened, against every odd.

But back to the idea of community and tribes, as I could sometimes talk about my fella for hours. I've just never been into cultivating a tribe, or seeking out a sense of community. While I would rarely ever venture to call myself a witch in any serious way, the witchyness about me sort of puts me on the periphiery. Not saying you can't contribute in community or have a tribe if you are a witch, but I've been really feeling the solitary Baba Yaga vibe. The idea that I should find a tribe feel really limiting to me, that I'm part of something is stiefeling to me. But this lack of want is complex, because I do have people in my life that are the solar system to me even if the bug the piss out of me, but at the same time I would hardly call them my tribe, and this sounds weird, but I don't want them as part of my tribe either. I don't want a community or tribe, but at the same time I don't want to be isolated. It sounds like I want my cake and to eat it too, which is actually logical. If you have a cake, why wouldn't you eat it?

Tuesday 29 July 2014

The Flow

This isn't about going with the flow...as such, I guess indirectly it is, but I'm talking about my flow. My aunt Flo, my period, my rag...I don't really like "Aunt Flo" as a euphemism for my menstrual cycle, my aunts are all delightful and when they visit they bring Finnish doughnuts. This Aunt Flo (while I've accepted it as an intricate cycle of life) is like a flaky, emotional eating bitch. This bitch came as I was on the treadmill, luckily she gave me war-vision for the task at hand. After the gym - as session that was cut short due to cramping and lightness of head - I had already intended to stop at the grocery store to get bananas and peaches. This grocery store didn't have peaches, they had nectarines. This pissed us - flo and I - off; in retaliation we bought M&M cookies, crackers, chips, a jumbo chocolate bar and some buffalo mozzarella. Flo is like that free-loading friend who you know is coming and you're determined to stand your ground and say:

 "hey, we've cut down on refined sugar and trans fats, and champagne during the week, let's just stick to the bananas and the apples (that you replaced the peaches with)!" It's like she didn't even hear me.

It was more like: "oh hey gurl, can you get some snacks? I don't have any money to spot you, but like I'll get you back later - I'm good for it. Oooooh get something sweet, and salty, but make sure it' creamy and crispy too."

Never does Ms. Flo provide you reason or good judgement, she's all fire and water. Which I'm not bashing, but like...really? I just consumed a whole bag of chips, and I just ate 2 large M&M cookies, with full intention of eating crackers and cheese, paired with a sparkling Rosé with full intentions of watching a show I know I'll weep my way through until I fall asleep. 


Thank God my gorgeous man is working tonight, because this shit isn't pretty, its horrifying and resembles some kind of mania. I'm like a bleeding Tasmanian devil of ravenous hunger, tears, and ultimate regret for eating all this crap. I have no self control, I am a hedonist at heart. And Ms Flo is the fairy godmother of gluttony and sloth. ---->


But in terms of going with the flow, like actually just embracing what this moody diva teaches, is that it's extremely needed for me to do this - i.e. nothing - and retreat from the world (you know in a logical daily needs kind of way). Without getting into any details, personal and otherwise, I'm doing that. I'm increasingly annoyed at everything so, sugar is taking some time to flip off the world and chill out in my coocoon and have frequent romantic dinners with boyfriend, and to go to the gym to get those skinny rich girl arms and a thigh gap, and I guess meditate and talk to dolphins and whales, or whatever. 

Thursday 17 July 2014

FRIDAY

This probably won't be a regular thing, as consistency has never been my strong point. But if this does happen again, it will be on a Friday.

5 Topics / 5 Things

Favourite Crystals (right now):
1. Moonstone
2. Tektite (Black, Golden, Moldavite)
3. Natural Quartz Points
4. Vivianite
5. Black Tourmaline

Favourite jams from the past week  (The music, not the spread): 

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

Things I've been thinking about this week: 

1. Tie-dye + socks
2. making alter art
3. Lack of clean laundry
4. Magick/Energy-work/Honduras 
5. Asking myself if I'm reading too many books at the same time?

What I'm going to do this weekend:

1. Go to the gym
2. eat a lot of spicy food
3. clean
4. Assume the guise of a laundry deity
5. Read/relax/chill/drink in moderation

Morning routine:

1. drink a full glass of water/make tea
2. acknowledge and feed my "alter"
3. meditate 
4. get cold to have a warm shower
5. dry hair/dress/turn heater off.



Tuesday 15 July 2014

Crystals n' Shit : 1

I'm kind of a slut when it comes to crystals, or an addict. I'm a slutty-addict for crystals AND minerals. Just so you know that it's not some kind of cutesy street name for crystal-meth. I'm definitely not keen on crystal-meth. I think Breaking Bad sort of glamorised meth habits...I mean yeah, TV and all.

I'm a crystal slut --------->

I don't think I've ever passed a shop that sells crystals and was like "yeah, I'll check this back later". Only when the store has been locked and the lights are off, but I'm still at the window for a good while figuring out a way that I could "accidentally" get into the store ( I have yet to find a way where I'm not in some kind of legal trouble). If I'm out shopping with boyfriend and he knows a crystal shop is on the agenda, he knows he'll be at a nearby pub for at least 2 hours. It makes it super easy for gifts too, as I'm a whore for more.

I used to work in a crystal and mineral store; it catered to a wider "new age" and Pagan customer base as well, but crystals were the thing. I wouldn't every say I'm a crystal expert, as the sciencey bit I'm more or less vague about, but the metaphysical aspect, I'm no novice. Basically, I know how to talk to people about crystals, I can easily help someone when it comes to starting out with crystals, what to look for, what to watch-out for, etc. I doubt I'd ever venture into the realm of crystal healing for others (quite frankly, I have no interest in healing others or coaching) I've played with the idea, but honestly, when it comes down to it - this sounds bad - but I just don't care. That said, I enjoy listening to others and what they have to say, and I don't mind, at all passing any info I've gathered to others who might be seeking.


I like making mandalas or grids with crystals, and I really enjoy reading about how others do them...that video of that kid who makes crystal grids was really awesome. It's really fun learning about how others weave crystal energies for healing or abundance or whatever. Especially kids, I'm not necessarily a kid person, but it's always valuable and kinda cute to hear what they have to say about these shiny pointy things. You want simplification talk to a kid.

<-------This is something like how my Saturday mornings start off like :3

When shopping, because mines and stuff are kind of far for me to get to, and I don't drive, I'm both open to going anywhere for crystals and a giant snob. Maybe it's because I worked for a crystal shop, that was in my opinion, and experience the (mutha-fuckin) best shop I've seen. There are a few on line retailers that have found room in my heart as well (shout out The Moon Spirit and The Sage Goddess!), but as for live beings- The Crystal Dawn, in my home and native land - is by far one of the best physical shops. The staff - especially when I was working there - were amazing. They still are! Since I've been to a few road side stands, out-door markets, and some horrid travesty shops, where every stone someone picked up was "the highest vibration". As soon as you tell me something is "the highest vibration" or "the most powerful" red flags jump up saying: buzz words!!! I'm not saying it's the crystals fault, but people who make money in the new age and pagan circuit...it's their fault. Granted, there are a lot of crystals with "exceedingly high vibrations" for a large majority of people, there are people out there (me, for one) who feel nothing. Where that crystal is a hunk of space debris or a chunk of fallen mountain side nothing. The high vibration bit, is - for me- part marketing ploy and part legit descriptor of what you can expect based on a small margin of other's experiences.

Like my last post, this is your journey, if you feel blown away by a readily available rose quartz and your heart chakra explodes that is real "high vibration" shit to me. That's what really counts how you connect. It so doesn't have to be a piece of Moldavite or Ajote in Quartz.  That said, knowing how you connect to crystals can take time. Sometimes you feel super on it, and you connect with a crystal like a volcano erupting, other times, it's a pretty rock in your hand. It can be discouraging especially when it was so good the time before!

It has taken me a really long time to suss out how I do things when compared to how a book or someone might explain how to feel crystal energy or whatever. I can help you pick a crystal, but I wouldn't venture into telling you how to work with it, that's your journey, and  there are tons of books on how to, also I'm just not a teacher. Actually, art school helped me do a lot of what I do now; I had a drawing teacher that said: "we're just teaching you a way of how to create an image, after you graduate, or now, I don't care, forget the rules, just do it your own way".


Monday 14 July 2014

Spiritual / Meme's and Enlightenment Check Lists

Yesterday I was ready to do a post about my snobbery of crystal/new age/ Pagan shops, but after feeling like I'm being inundated with "how to tell if your an old soul/empath/indigo child/fire hydrant on my facebook/twitter/google+ etc, this is new new bee in my bonnet!

I'll be blunt: I fucking hate those things.


Like....I. Fucking. Hate. Those. Things. 


How I feel about those lists -------------->


Every time I read them - unless they are done tongue n' cheek - they are the equivalent of the colour egg-shell white, painted in new homes. Those lists apply to everyone at any point in their lives. They don't make you a special fucking flower - because we're all special fucking flowers

This is just me, but, I think lists and meme like that create more barriers than they do bring people together and reach for the collective oneness that we all are. When you make a list like that, that speak to most, if not all people at some point in their lives, you're putting labels and levels, like in video game that have no baring on someone else's path to enlightenment. Your path, and someone else's path are the same; but you don't get there in the same way. None of these lists or memes- allegedly illustrating character traits- indicate that these lists apply to everyone. There isn't one special crop of people this shit applies to, we're all going the way we're supposed to go, I don't need to know that someone else is going through the same thing as me. It is not some unique birthright allotted to you, and you alone, it's everyone's birthright. That "birthright" is the right and privilege to experience and express your life, the way you fucking want to. The list of character traits are - to me- utter crap. The amount of time these trite lists are shared on my facebook feed lead me to drink, and frankly make me just want to watch a whole shit load of reality TV to just disassociate from the whole New Age/Pagan/Spiritual community.

Spiritual expression is not a list of shit you can tick off to see how far you've come, spiritual expression and your spiritual journey, or just your life, regardless of spirituality, is not quantifiable like that, because you'll no doubt repeat patterns, go through periods of shadow and questioning why you even bother; you'll also go through periods and moods where everything is in alignment and everything feels or looks like tingly-glitter-kaleidoscope-fun-times. No list, and nobody can tell you where you are on your path. You'll for sure have guides and friendly faces along the way to give input, but they are just one voice, you are the soul doer and shaker of your reality. These fucking lists -to me- are dumb. They make me angry, and they make me think that your life's journey can be summed up in a neat little list of what needs to be done and if "you're there yet" -which, as I keep saying really pisses me off. It's patronising and it's bullshit. Do your thing, that's my wish for everyone. What that thing is, frankly, I don't care, but I wish you well.

I think the long and the short of it is, these memes and lists telling you where to find so-called enlightenment are hugely limiting. And maybe it's because I'm not particularly into motivating others, or into that community of "we're all one" and "self love", I just do or I don't. Sometimes I'm up and sometimes I'm not, but mostly, I just ride the wave and deal.

That's me, riding the wave...and dealing, (obviously I'm not Rhianna)--->

Sunday 13 July 2014

Weekend Adventure Time!

My fella and I have just spent a few days looking after the dog of some friends of his. First off, Penny (the pooch) is super smart and clever, really playful and cuddly. Second, Justin and I found out we're as ready for a pet as we thought...despite the fact that Penny-pants is really really good natured. When I would walk Penny, it would never occur to me to bring a bag - you guessed it - I the jerk who doesn't pick up after their dog. My defence: Penny is not my dog, and I've always had cats, cats relieve themselves in a box. So my "solution" is to have Penny-pants poo, then we go for a brisk jog, not looking back, and not returning the same way. The karma of this story is, Penny likes to eat poo, other dog's poo - then she goes in for a kiss - sorry babe, I saw you consume another animal's fecal matter, you just ended joyful puppy kisses, but I'll settle for hours of playing fetch and a tub full of hand sanitizer.

My week leading up to the weekend and the weekend itself was much more eventful and lively than it normally is - which is really good. I'm a creature of habbit, but I welcome the mix from time to time. This weekend I did a metal jewellery workshop! It was really fun; any time I work with my hands I'm at my most confident. Putting together furniture, or sewing a dress, and apparently using a torch come very easily to me. Speaking and conseptualizing shit in a "logical" day-to-day sense is actually really difficult and I get really easily frustrated.

Out of that day workshop I made two rings, one copper and one silver. I really like process oriented work. You can't easily see, and because it was my first attempt at stamping metal, I got the placement of the letters a bit wrong...but you know, live and learn. The silver ring says "M A G I C K" on the out side where you can see it, on the inside of the ring it reads: "S P E L L". I thought about putting my mine and Justin's initials, but then I puked a little in my mouth. I oxidized both rings a little bit as well, I still wanted the lusture of the silver to come through but I wanted the hammering and the lettering to pop out a little bit. Same with the copper ring, I embossed it with a leaf, copper will oxidize anyway, so it was just an experiment - for now it's still bronzey and shiny. They look nice on their own or stacked.

While we were dog sitting, we were staying at the home of Justin's friend which is in Newtown; Newtown is a really artsy area, you don't really see any boxed stores like you would in the Eastern Suburbs or in the CBD - which I really like. There are tons of really yummy places to eat (actually, that's all of Sydney, but Newtown in-particular, Thai and Pho). That said, I find Newtown to be really really oppressive, energetically speaking. I couldn't live there. It's really insular, and while there are parks, there is this weird sticky energetic film over Newtown. This sounds totally freakish, and I often feel like a bad person because of it, but I get physically ill and really upset when I'm around - what I call - intense drug use/drug abuse. Honestly, I don't care what others do, it's really that person's choice, so, far be it from me to dictate what someone else does...but I really don't enjoy feeling like blowing chunks when I walk by people or buildings that weird me out. But that's what a lot of Newtown feels like to me: vomit and crying. Obviously not all of Newtown (the place we were staying in was super cozy and safe feeling), but there are certain areas and pubs I feel really uncomfortable in. Also, while I was there it seemed everyone was "on" all the time, so many people were peacocking-looking for attention it was kind of exhausting. I'm a beach babe: I honestly didn't appreciate how renewing living by the wild ocean is. Sure OK, "wild ocean" I live in the 'burbs, but I can look out from my home in one direction and see nothing for miles - though lately I see whales tipping up for some air (bragging). What I'm really saying is: people who live by the beach are SO CHILL!









Dis ma 'hood --------------------------->









I went crystal shopping which is something I don't get to do as often as I'd like/used to do. I might rant on crystal shops/new age shops later, because that is kind of a doozey, and I don't want to say that I'm an expert, buuut I kind of am - when it comes to expectations of 1) customer service in new age shops and 2) product knowledge 3) communicating to the customer based on their needs. It just gets up my back, I've worked for the best, in my opinion when it comes to crystal retailers and new age/pagan goods.

Wednesday 9 July 2014

Friends Helping Friends Helping Friends

A while back one of my oldest friends fell and she didn't think she hurt herself that badly - turns out she did! She hurt herself really badly, and because of her then weight, the doctors didn't really think it was bad as it was...LONG story short, she's not been able to work in I think nearly 3 years, she couldn't get employment insurance because her former employment refused to acknowledge that her injury was the cause of her not being able to work. 


She's quite fortunate, in that she has a great boyfr...I mean husband (I've known my friend - Steph since we were 11 and 12, and her husband - still weird to say - since he we were 14 or 15; they were the friends that when they FINALLY got together everyone said "fucking finally!") ------------------------------------------------>

who can support most of their day - to - day things - sugar still wants to contribute. Unlike me, she likes having a job and not being a trophy wife (ugh the dream!) . Alas, the job market in Canada blows dangley goat balls, and she's been out of luck - even finding a job as a grocery cashier! I think if you've been out of consistent work for any length of time and just sort of floating, it can be really daunting, demoralizing, and depressing. I know all too well how she feels. 

What breaks my heart - which she didn't mention in her campaign is that on her wedding day, she was really doped up on pain medication for her back, and she didn't feel beautiful in her wedding dress (she did look beautiful, but if you don't feel it, what others say means jack shit). On her wedding day she was doped up on pain meds, but still felt the pain, and still felt like shit. ON HER DAY. OK...their day, but really no one looks at the groom. Sorry dudes, when you've seen one tux, you've seen them all. A good suit is a good suit, no denying that (Hello, Valentino...), but like that cheesey Moore's commercial said, everyone looks at the bride, but the bride will be looking at you ("you" being the groom they are marketing the add to...) Anyway, she's starting to gain mobility, which is amazing. She's been doing yoga classes where the instructor is very conscious of her limitations, and helps her move past them. If you read her go-fund me story, you'll see that she attends a donation based yoga class about twice a week. Ideally, because, she can now do a downward facing dog (YAY, considering 2 months ago she couldn't bend over to pick up something she dropped on the floor!) she'd like to be able to attend everyday - or any-time she wants to. 

Her manfriend/husband helps her as much as possible, but this is part of her journey and she wants to be an active FUNDING member of that journey. I think it's easy for me to be like "I'll do what I can to help" if you've read my other posts you'll know that sugar doesn't rake in the cash, like leaves from a tree, but, sometimes it really helps to be careless with your money. 



Anyway, she's decided to initiate a tidal wave of abundance with a Go-Fund Me campaign, you can find that info, and if you are so inclined to help a stranger, or a friend ( if I know you, and you mysteriously found my blog...) you can donate here: Help my friend, Steph


Tuesday 8 July 2014

The Good Soap

I may be cash-shy a lot of the time, but I usually make an effort to have or get nice things when I can. No polyester for this Queen; we're talking silks, linen, cotton, etc (OK, a poly-blend will grace my form, but typically I hold out for the good shit). The same applies to my bod; I'm also pretty conscious about what I buy too (i.e. attempt to be up on products that green-wash, use unsustainable palm oil etc)...


Anyway, this morning I noticed that my really nice body scrub/soap that my boyfriend bought for me is almost empty. I should stress that I haven't really used it, as it's so special and so pretty that I use it when I want to feel special.




Can I just take a moment to fully explain how luxurious this soap is? OK, so, its from Aesop - which, yes I know has unsustainable palm oil, so I shouldn't care THAT much, but I do, hypocrite, but whatever, I'm a vegan who still eats cheese. Anyway, it smells like geranium, has ground up quartz and apricot seeds to polish the skin - aside from the images of sad orangutans that sometimes flash in my head, this stuff is heaven (I'm really hoping, by now Aesop has switched to using sustainable palm oil). I've painted a pretty shitty picture of how nice this stuff is, but this is the world we live in. 


It's not like he doesn't have his own soap, or the "communal" everyday soap, which are both really nice to begin with, but he uses my $30 250ml scrubby-soap. I buy him Lush goddamnit to deter his handsome well shaped rear-end from using my expensive shit, that clearly he's purchased for himself. He hasn't gifted me shit, he's grifted me. 


His reason: "it's just the closest one, and I don't have time to decide what soap to use" 

YEAH. 



Monday 7 July 2014

A Little Rant

I say "a little rant" as if somehow it will make it less annoying, somehow. No one likes to complain, but it's really normal and healthy if you do. It's just fucking annoying to hear it from someone or the same someone (me) all the time.

Really, I have nothing to complain about. By and large, I'm extremely fortunate. I've travelled a good deal, I've never (except for a brief stint in uni, but that hardly counts) wondered when I'm going to eat next, I went to university, and art school, and yet I experience hardship. Granted it's guilty Western white girl hardship, but still, it's hard and and feels...like a ship...(I had no where to go on that one).

I often tell people "oh yeah Australia is great" "oh it's just hard finding job, 'cause of my visa" "oh there is just a lot of competition, Sydney is HUGE". Sometimes you just have to sit back and sort of deal with the fact that your life isn't always for your making- no matter how many new age books or manifestation mantras you read tell you it is. Life is
a force of nature, and frankly, it's a bit Polyanna to think that "you've got this" 100% of the time. Positive thinking and "looking on the bright side" truly are wonderful concepts, but they are not real ways of dealing with a shitty hand. What is real, is that sometimes you just have sit in the bullshit, because, you don't make enough money at a job that makes you hate life. It's not like I haven't tried look at the positives (of which, there are many) or tried to look for another job; I've been looking for a job for...I've lost track of how long and it's exhausting, mentally, emotionally and physically. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but the trick is, I wanted it to be; typically what I want and what actually happens rarely line up. Luckily I'm not an over achiever, and I've never really given a shit about impressing anyone (and somehow I expect things to run in my favour?), so I've always coasted by and sometimes things do go my way.

I'm in a city that loves over achievers and lots of flash, and my understated, don't-really-care nature clash when looking for a job where I need to go beyond what I'm actually reasonably capable of to impress others. I've always had trouble "faking it till I make it" because it's exhausting. I don't - as a rule - kissed up to anyone,  if I don't like you I don't waste my time; faking has never been my style and it's really see through when I attempt to take it on, I come off like a creepy hand puppet. The only thing I can promise an employer is that I do my absolute best, I'm there to work and do the task at hand, not make trouble and generally, be my nice, friendly, albeit shy-self.

I'm not afraid of hard work and I am a hard worker, but there is hard work and then there is bullshit work. The two can over lap, but they are certainly not the same thing. The only thing that is actually difficult about my current job situation is that I actually experience work place bullying. Not (always) by my employer, but from clients with egos made of sugar glass. I contradicted them twice, and since I've been the target of veiled threats against my job, and straight-up name calling. And frankly, the kind of employer that I have, I don't and won't get support that is required when you have groups of people being jerks.


On a spiritual level, I've let go of looking for a job. It's just draining me. I've just let go of putting it out there for something amazing to come to me. Plenty of amazing looking jobs have come my way, I've applied, but they always find someone better suited, or more qualified. There is only so much searching you can do before you just stop caring, stop hoping, stop waiting and just be grateful that you have a job as it is. It's certainly not perfect, it barely pays the bills, but I have one, and some people don't.


I get a lot of "why don't you work for yourself?" which is a fair question, a lot of people fed up with working for others do tend to work better as their own boss. A lot of people ask that type of question when they find out I've been to art school, it's like "oh gee, why hadn't I thought about that before?!" Of course I have, there is a reason I don't, and it's that I hate kissing ass. As an artist, unless you're naturally, and endearingly a genius recluse, no one cares. Making someone care about what you do is sort of the opposite of of a genius endearing talent. If you're not that, you're stuck kissing ass going to shows, letting people know about you - AKA all things I've never given a rats ass about doing. I create for the enjoyment of doing it, to express what I am not able to put into words. I'm often reluctant to sell (when I've had the opportunity) to others, unless I have visitation rights. I'm also so wishy-washy that, a month on I'll be so mortified that I made that I'll chuck it. Sometimes art is for that time and place, not for eternity. But I understand why people suggest these things, it's out of kindness and it's also a kind way of asking you to shut up and do something. But sometimes, if you're like me, you have done something, a lot of something, and eventually, you just stop caring.

Eventually, I'll have nothing to say about my life - employment-wise, right now it's the initial realization that this is it. Some people just live, they find moments of joy, but for the most part they just quietly live, expecting nothing more than what is  at this present moment. Letting go of expectations that are at best naively silly and and worst far flung dreams that you mirror from TV or books that aren't realistically possible. Not everyone can be lucky, not everyone's dreams come true. It's not a bad thing, it just is what it is. And sometimes letting go of what you want or have worked for is the only relief you can get, I feel like happiness might come after relief.




Sunday 6 July 2014

What Is the Point?


What is the point of...? is a question that I have been asking myself a lot of lately. I've recently let go of my YouTube channel for no other reason than, I was just bored or making them, and generally speaking, I'm not that good at making them, which makes it a pain to make them. So rather than keep asking myself "what is the point?" I cut one annoying question out of my life by taking the action to just stop making them. It feels great

That said, I still find myself thinking of things to talk about, or what I could talk about if I chose to make videos again ,but that doesn't even tempt me to start back up. I'm not saying making Youtube videos is never happening again, but I don't really plan on it in the near future. I'm really enjoying this shadow-like inward journey of asking "why bother?". It's extremely care free.

More than just removing myself and the videos I made from You Tube, and asking "what's the point of it all?" I've been applying this question to my own practice. I think it should be pretty obvious to check-in with yourself and see if what you are exposing yourself to/experimenting with/interacting with aligns with you. Or, if you're like me, you see something work for someone else so you take it on, and realize later that it doesn't really mesh. Despite being a pretty defiant person, and being really poor at consciously taking direction, I'm really good at unconsciously taking direction. I'm really good at taking on patterns of people I admire (both real and imaginary) and attempting to weave it into my own being; ultimately, I become a really bitter, irritated person, until I wake up on the proverbial wrong side of the bed. 

This "realization" in mind (even though I fully know that I do this), I've been trying to come up with a list of things that I know I'm just not honestly interested or invested in when it comes to my practice: 
-I really don't like calling myself a witch (no reason, I just don't) 
-I'm not that into divination (I just don't see the point, unless you are using it as some sort of self development tool or last resort to some insight. Divination for shits and giggles, just seems pointless).
-Pentacles (again, no reason, I'm just not that into them as a symbol, tool yes, but again this one is a head scratcher, 'cause a symbol can also be a tool...) 
-I'm just not that into the divine Femanine or Masculine - this one I'm still exploring, but yeah I'm just not that into it in an intense way. What I'm trying to say is, I just don't care. 
-working with a group or a coven, I'm not even that into going to parties, and from what I've seen these things usually turn into regular things. 
-letting others know about what I believe. None. Of. Your. Business. (I guess this kinda ties in with me pulling down my videos haha...I realize I have a blog, but you'll notice that I don't really and won't get into the nitty-gritty of my beliefs) 

I guess before I look back on this and think "wow I was a bitter old cunt" I should talk about what I do believe in and what I am tuned into: 
-Being and working with my own intuition 
-Listening to others, and not listening to reply. I genuinely love hearing what others have to say and being inspired by it. I'm just learning to not glue it to what I do or what I'm about. Kind of like old quilting b's, you all work together to make a pretty blanket without using the same fabric as someone else. 
-Creating my own symbols and sigils while still learning and incorporating and working with the old ones 
-honouring my conceptions of divinity without naming them as male or female. 

I guess there is a point. 


Tuesday 17 June 2014

Store Review: Living Earth Crystals

So as I mentioned in my up-coming projects video, that I would be doing store reviews, and while the vast majority of my experiences have been positive, this next experience was probably the most dreadful and disappointing experience I've ever had. Had this been the first time I shopped online, I would never do it again.

Now before I go on, this is only my point of view based on my experience. There were others who shared my complete surprise and disappointment, from buying from Living Earth Crystals, and while I don't speak for them, I'm sure if they watch they will know where I am coming from as this was a very stressful and cluster fuck of a situation - for all parties concerned.

So towards the end of November I was personally coming out of a long time of unemployment and just a really negative period of adjustment, and being that my birthday had recently passed I found myself with a little bit of money, so I thought I would buy some crystals, around the same time as well, I had "like" a crystal from the LEC facebook page. A friend of mine back home saw that I had liked it, and asked if I would purchase them for her, and then send them back to her in Canada. Now at this point I felt uneasy, but I figured that it was because I was afraid of what I bought for her would get lost in the mail. So anyway I purchase my crystals, and my friend's crystals, and because I knew it was coming up to the holidays that it was possible that it would take some time to get to me, but my friend and I weren't too fussed.

I became acquainted with Allison and her businesses through her YouTube channel. I found her upfront nature and general style something I could relate to in terms of practice. So naturally when she started her business I was really excited to see what she would bring. However through the various networks of social media I hadn't really seen her, but I didn't think much of it as life happens. All of that said, from the time that I had placed my order to the time that I eventually received my order, it was between 9 - 10 months. Any corospondance I attempted was ignored. Any movement from her LEC FB pages had said that all outstanding orders would be shipped in the coming days - so I thought "Yay, crystal time!". However between the periods of attempted and ignored communication I wanted to see if I was the only one who hadn't received what I had ordered. On any FB page there are usually a comment section from patrons who want to communicate or share with the creator of the page...anyway, through checking the comment section of the LEC FB page I had come to realize that there were others in my predicament. I also then realized I had an "others" folder in my inbox, and found that some of them had tried to contact me regarding our issue. Eventually we all formed our own little private FB group dedicated to constructively deciding what our options were.

We individually and collectively wrote Allison messages on her LEC FB page regarding our concerns and enquiring when we would get the goods we paid for, as at this time we were clocking 6-8 months with no communication. However, much to our dismay our public collective messages as well as some individual messages were deleted. What was also very frustrating was that during this time, when her store wasn't shut down, it was open for making sales.
In our one sided corespondence with Allison we also mentioned that we had contacted and were prepared to approach legal action. Shortly after,  Allison made a video explaining where she was, and what had happened to her, and also saying that yes she was going to fufill the outstanding orders. Now, based on what I got through on this video,  she had quite a rough go of it. And I certainly understand that shit happens. However as an aside, life and the commitments you make in a business are very different things, even in a small home run operation. I'm not saying what she should have done, because that is neither here nor there. We all felt completely scammed, despite the video and Allison's person problems.

Happily, I can say that I did receive my order 9 - 10 months from when I made my purchase. Now I'm pretty patient, and understanding when it comes to life situations, but it was 9-10 months. I said I wouldn't speak for my friends who are also involved, but saying that, there are still about 7 or 8 people still without their goods, more than a year later, isn't speaking for them, that's just a fact.

Now I can also say that when I did receive my order, I still felt a connection to my stones, as that was something that I was worried that I wouldn't. My  friend for whom I ordered also received her stones, and is very pleased. So for that we are extremely happy.
Another small positive aspect of the whole mess is, when I finally did hear from Allison she was very cordial, and did add extras, which was very nice of her, however, doesn't make up for the fact that it took 9 or 10 months for my items to arrive.

While I do wish Allison well, I wouldn't shop there again.


Sunday 19 January 2014

Broom Closet

Am I in the broom closet?

Being that I make videos on YouTube about witchcraft and my path, you would probably say that I am not in the "broom closet". You might assume that my family, all my friends and even some acquaintances know about my path. Wrong!

I'm very much in the broom closet, but I've decorated and it's more like a comfortable cottage now. I don't wear my beliefs on my sleeve. I don't talk about my spiritual experiences to others. I don't wear a pentacle. I don't even hint about any aspect of where my beliefs lie. While I'm in the closet the door is comfortably open.

I say that while I'm in the closet, but the door is open, I mean that I wouldn't and won't openly express my beliefs to my family; that said, it isn't a hidden fact. All they would have to do is look around my old bedroom and find piles of books on different aspects of witchcraft or find my old spell box and put 2 and 2 together. Now because I claim the title Christo-witch telling my dear Christian mother that I believe in Jesus isn't an out and out lie. But I also hold true to the divinity and equality of the Virgin as well, and am happy to see her in the guise of all female deity, and call the Virgin under many different names. Basically what I'm saying is, I don't discuss the intricacies of my beliefs with my family as it would cause more confusion than I care to deal with, so I keep it simple.

Does my boyfriend know? Yes. He bought me a book on spells for Christmas. Do we discuss my path? No. Does that bother me? No!

Do my friends know/call me a witch? I've never really cared to ask them what they think of my beliefs. I think it's sort of weird to try to figure out what they think of my beliefs. They do come to me for spells though - not ALL the time, but particularly on Halloween. I've given them readings, but even they know that if they want something completely objective they will go seek out someone. They have called me a witch, though I don't know if they are only kidding around.

Do my friends, family or acquaintances know about my YouTube channel? 

My boyfriend does, my dad has seen one of my videos (by chance), and there are a few close friends of a similar mind set that know about my channel. Other than that, I hope to GOD no one else finds out. Even other close friends, I know they'd be fine, but the idea of them seeing my sorry mug on YT blabbing in a deeper way than they might realise would be...not mortifying, but wildly uncomfortable. That said I've been pretty drunk and felt really close to those I was with (in reality, I wasn't but sometimes I feel a strong unity with others when I've been on the sauce) and spilled the beans. I have embarrassingly drunk dialled my friend Charlie and told him I wanted to interview him - as I had a YT channel and wanted to talk to someone who wasn't very spiritual, about spirituality. At the time in my clouded thought, vision and memory, this was a grand idea - in the morning I get a call from Charlie asking when his close up would be - the memories all came flooding back, and me, mortified begged and pleaded that he forget everything I had told him. The scary thing was, is he seemed genuinely interested and later vowed he'd hunt my channel down. As I haven't heard from him, I'd like to think he stopped or hasn't bothered. THANK GOD!

I really don't think being in the broom closet is a bad thing in that, I'm willingly and very comfortably there. I come and go as I please. That said I'm a pretty solitary creature and by very virtue of my star sign - a Scorpio - I'm more than comfortable keeping my cards close to me and revealing what I want, when I want. I do understand that there are those that really want their beliefs out there, and that sometimes being so utterly guarded is exhausting especially if you are in a home or community that would react hostilely to a Pagan belief system. I think especially for teenagers it is difficult to deal with this kind of broom closet scenario and subsequently sneaking around. While I don't think anyone should be stifled, I do think sometimes you do need to have a stiff upper lip about a broom closet situation and deal with it until you are of the age of majority - then it's much easier to do as you please. Sometimes dealing with teenage hormones can make "just dealing with it" extra difficult, but being obstinate really won't help anything your situation, in fact fighting with those that won't hear you anyway is an uphill battle. Sometimes keeping your opinions to yourself helps you in the long run, as it allows you to consider why they think the way you do, and allows you do evaluate what you believe. Once you reach the age of majority then it's much easier to let the opinions of others roll off your back - even if it's family. Growing up I had to do that, and while it was annoying and stressful sometimes, I think it really ended up feeding my practise now. As it did in some way teach me a certain degree of respect for rules that were in place in my household. That said my parents, my dad in particular encouraged the wide understanding of WHERE belief - any belief, culture, etc come from and why certain practises were in place.

I have been exceptionally fortunate, and that might also be in part to my nature, and who has raised me. While I don't generally like to cause a ruckace, I also don't like to follow the crowd either. Thinking before you speak or act is key, and very much a part of what I think an earth based spirituality is about. I like to think that while I'm in a broom closet, there are also windows and doors that freely open, as well as guest rooms for people stay in.